Too each his own

So, I am at a birthday party in a public park for my youngest daughter's close friend.  This is what you do when you have young kids, go to b-day parties on the weekends.  While I was there, I somehow struck up a conversation with another father named Todd, who told me his son was extremely uncomfortable with change.  This child is so uncomfortable, that while we were talking, his son was on the other side of the park sitting on the sidewalk refusing to join the party.  As our conversation progressed on, the father expressed his concern about a problem that he and his wife were having with their son. Todd continued to tell me of a few behavioral problems he and his wife were having with their 6 year old son. They had recently taken him to the doctor and the doctor told them to bribe there son in order to gain compliance. They took the doctor's advice for a few weeks, but needless to say that did not work.  Now please keep in mind, this is the first time that I had met Todd.  I had never seen him at any other events before.  What a great conversation to have with a new parent.   For about an hour, Todd shared story upon story of all of the things he and his wife had been dealing with.  Of all the examples of how crazy this situation was for him, the one that stood out as a" WTF" moment was when he said that every time his son gets upset he hits them (Todd and his wife). YES, THE CHILD HITS THE PARENTS.  Disclaimer, if you do not know me, I do not tolerant disrespect from children on any level.  So for me to hear that a 6 year old child is hitting his parents, left me at a loss for words.  What's even crazier, is that Todd and his wife had no clue what to do about it. Todd asked me, “What can I do”.  I love this question, because I genuinely love to help people.  My first instinct was to say “punch him in the chest once or twice and he will come to his senses", but I know not everyone is as open minded as I am in the area of disciplining your child.  Instead, I said, “not everyone is comfortable with my methods of discipline”. Todd gave me the look of “I know what you mean” and responded very quickly with, “I was spanking him, but my wife isn’t comfortable with that". Todd had sense enough to know that if his wife isn’t doing the same thing, then it doesn’t work”.  America, I understand that there are different types of parenting styles.  I am a firm believer that no matter what your parenting style is, the man is the head of the household and it is his responsibility to lead his family toward Christ.  I also believe that parenting is a two person job.  Men, when you are faced with such challenges in your household, close your eyes and open your heart to what God is telling you to do.  You have to stand firm in your decision to follow the voice you hear on the inside.  Your individual parenting style will change with the influence of the Lord, your spouse, and the personality type of your children, but know in your heart that the course your heart told you was true is the way you must go.  I told Todd, that it was Ok to be the bad guy and that not every decision he made would be the most popular course of action.  I also told him that if he knew in his heart what needs to be done in order to set things on the right track with his son, he needed to go with that.  Prior to having my own son,  I had heard from many of my boys and now have a better understanding of how men, even at a young age challenge the leader to see who the big boss is.  This is why a male-figure is so important.  Some single mothers are able to duplicate this part, but a man has a presence and a uniqueness that balances the child and gains the respect needed to let the children know who is in charge while showing them how a leader should lead.  My advise to Todd was simple.  It’s what I tell any father when in conversation about children.  1. You must always lead with love first.  Leave angry and frustration out of the discipline.  Your children must know you love them even when they do something wrong.  2. Find your daddy voice.  Your child needs to know when the s$#t just got serious.  If you find yourself in a situation with your child where you're yelling and nothing is changing in your child’s response to your yelling, you might need to switch it up, throw them off by keeping calm and handle business and they will get that this is important.  3. You must be consistent with you actions and words.  Sub-consciously you are programming your family with your principles. Be consistent in you steps and your wife and your children will follow.  After our conversation, Todd looked relieved.  I trust that Todd will find his daddy voice with his son  and subsequently help him to fall into line.  

So my question to you:

What advise would you have given Todd?

So who are you following?

Not growing up with a father or an active role model in my life, kind of left me with a hole in my being for a male presents in my life. Not to say that my mother did not do a great job in raising me, but there was one thing as a woman she could not do for me, that having man in my life would provide me with a better sense of what to do with the masculine feelings I was having. So, now as a father, I see that same yearning in my son. To want to be around me all the time to want to do what I do, eat what I eat, read what I read. From time to time I catch him watching me and then asking me what I am doing. I have to say it is a good feeling to have your child so engaged in what you are doing. But often I find myself wondering, “What do I teach him that will help him in the future?”  It’s funny, I am not into sports, so going out to play catch or shoot hoops is not the first thing I think of doing with him. I do love technology and video games and just learning about stuff in general. Eating cereal out of the box and from time to time running around in our underwear is funny. Which my son has picked up and likes to do as well. But is that it? Is all I have to do is drag my kids around me wherever I go and they will figure it out or is there some guideline or breadcrumbs that I should layout for them so the go where I want them to end up.

I tell you this fatherhood thing is so complicated. Every day is a challenge for me as a father. I constantly think about how I interact with my children.

Did I do that right?

Did I say the right thing to them?

Was I too hard on them?

It would be wonderful to have a father figure that I could turn to for advice, to pick their brains on different types and get their perspective on how they have or would handle a situation that I was going through. As I look back on the 6 years I have been an active father, I can tell you that it has been the longest and greatest thing I have ever done with my life. To know that I am the core influence in my children’s life is overwhelming and fulfilling. That even though I did not have my father there for me that I somehow have the ability to show my children right from wrong.

Those are the questions that may have been answered had I had a male figure in my life that would drill into me over time the answers to questions I have not asked yet. So, I say to those who have an active father in your life, I urge you to go give them a huge and say thank you for being there. Ask them anything and everything about the life you wish to lead. And to those like me, who stand alone with no one to turn to, I say get out your chair and find someone who is willing to answer your questions on life love and children. Because you know as well as I do that there is always something to learn and someone to teach it to.

From the Inside Out

A child is born.  It has the ability to know the heartbeat of their mother and distinguishes there father by the sound of his voice.  They did not decide whether they want to be on this earth. That decision falls on the mother and the father.  But what I would like for all the parents and future parents to understand, is when one parent is absent, particularly the father, it’s like going to class thinking you’re fully prepared to learn the lesson of the day, you have your books, you have your tablet, but you don’t have anything to write with.  There will always be something missing in your child’s life when the father is not in it.  Always! There is a yearning for a father that a child will always look for from any male adult but will still only be half full. I know this, because I lived this.  I remember the days where I would talk back to my mother because I thought I knew everything and then my brother comes home and I listen to everything he says.  Or the difference in my attitude and behavior when a female teacher ask me to do something vs when a male teacher asked me to do the exact the same thing.  I couldn’t explain it back then.  There was this feeling that was and sometimes still is, behind every thought I would have.  A feeling that never escaped me, tugging on my collar trying to get my attention.  Distracting me from my current tasks.  Interfering with my relationships. Whispering in my ear, “are you sure you can do this”, “don’t waste your time, just peace out”.  All the while, hanging on every word of any male that made halfway decent sense of things whether right or wrong.

What is a child to do when there are feelings on the inside that can’t be explained but is demonstrated on the outside though speech, dress, and behavior?  I know, they become a subconscious hunter and gather.  Patrolling the streets seeking out nourishment for the feelings that haven’t been feed.  They search high and low looking for that connection.  For someone to say those words that instantly puts a smile on their heart.  Every fatherless child living knows what I’m talking about.  The words used to let children know that you are watching.  “I’m proud of you”, “good job”, “I knew you could do it”, “I love you”.  The question is, will that come from you?  Will you be there to see the glory of god in action?  Or will it come from the gang down the street that does petty crimes for fun.  Or the drug dealer who makes tons of money and buying fancy jewelry and flashy cars.

It’s never too late to be a good dad.  The choice is yours.  

It always was. 

Welcome to New School Daddy!

It is with great pride & pleasure that we welcome you to our website! We hope you find the information entertaining, enlightening, inspirational, & when necessary - sobering.  Parents are facing unprecedented challenges today and fathers are no exception.  From dealing with blended families, deciding how to discipline children in the 21st century, setting parameters on the use if the Internet, talking about sex, & societal's ever changing roles; were here to help. 

Speaking of fathers, more men are actively engaged in the parenting process today than ever before! This is amazing, wonderful, & deserves to be celebrated.  Not that fathers were inactive in their children's lives a 100, 500, or 5,000 years ago; however, today there's a different type of involvement.  

Meaning

Old school fathers were there at birth but not allowed to witness the birth of their children (though at no fault of their own -they weren't allowed)! Old school fathers were held less responsible for nurturing & more responsible for simply disciplining, less responsible for dialoging & more responsible for giving orders, & while earning a living & assisting in the needs of one child is essential & imperative - old school fathers were essentially asked to only provide - NEW School Daddy's must provide + help with homework + help with house work + pack school lunches + transport children & provide an array of other services fathers were rarely tasked in previous decades.   

Of all the reasons NSD was created ONE reason stands above all; to serve men with parenting advice whom may have few avenues for guidance or to express themselves.  Unfortunately, recent history is filled with men who Fathered children, yet were never Dad's.  These men have either no relationship with their offspring or are cordial at best. 

This is why we call this project "DADDY"!  There were lots of names we toyed with (father-fatherhood-etc.) yet nothing speaks to a mans relationship to his children (good or bad) like they name they call him.  Thus we feel Daddy is the best name a father could ever ask for. 

Welcome.